There Really Isn't Anything Normal To Call It
by 142staircases
Summary: Because there was very little that was normal about the situation. A Lily-and-James-are-getting-married!fic.
1. Chapter 1

**AN:** Threeshot. Works with several other things we have written. Enjoy

**Disclaimer: **No.

Before I get to the meat of the story, allow me to explain the situation. I am Mary Macdonald. I believe we have met before. We may not have, but I think we have. I am a muggleborn witch, who was in the same year and house at Hogwarts as Lily Evans.

I am currently sitting in the kitchen of Remus Lupin and James Potter's flat. I am with Remus Lupin and we are discussing unfounded social stigmas. It is a fascinating conversation.

James Potter is currently in the living room with his girlfriend, Lily Evans, with whom he is presumably necking. I say that because they are being rather quiet, except for every now and then I hear some indistinct sound through the closed kitchen door.

I wonder briefly how Remus can live with that. I suppose it would be worse if Sirius were shared his flat instead of James, and then I thank all the gods in any pantheon that James and Sirius did not choose to share an apartment for the simple reason that they feared not being able to have sex the way they wanted when they wanted. That, and Remus needed someone to share his rent.

I am about to say something interesting to Remus about people with walleye when we hear James' voice coming very loudly from the next room. He says, "Well that's just not bloody fair."

"Oh dear," breathes Remus. "What is it this time?"

We stand and crack the door, because we want more information than we have, and we can't be sure whether or not we would be a welcome intrusion.

"Are you refusing me?" asks Lily.

"Not precisely. I'm just saying it's not bloody fair!"

"How is it not bloody fair, James."

"Because you do all the stuff."

"Care to elaborate?"

"You know what I mean."

"Not really."

"Yes, you do."

"Yes, I do. But I want Remus and Mary, who are undoubtedly eavesdropping, to understand as clearly as you and I do."

I glance over at Remus. He makes no movement. Perhaps he hopes that Lily is just guessing, making blind and unfounded accusations.

"Well, I'm not entirely sure I want Remus and Mary to know," grumbles James.

"Why not? They are our friends."

"Well they already know about both of the things," mumbles James.

"You are grumbling and mumbling. I would think you would be over the moon about me asking you to marry me."

I cannot contain a gasp.

"See?" says Lily. "They were listening. You two might as well come out."

Remus glares at me and we file into the living room. James glances our way. An internal battle seems to be raging in his head, as though he cannot decide whether to clam up or whether to expound. He chooses the latter.

"I am quite pleased with the idea of marrying you and having several mini-us-es running around a nice little house in the countryside, but it's the _principle_ of the thing. The male of the couple, meaning me, is supposed to ask the female, meaning you, to marry him. That's how it is done. That is how it has always been done, and, sweet Merlin, that is how it should always be done."

"Isn't the male of the couple also supposed to ask the female out?"

"Yes, and I did, but you refused me."

"Isn't the male of the couple supposed to be the one who is trying to get the female to give in to having sex with him?"

James glances at Remus, who had an eyebrow silently raised at this new little factoid, and says, "I was getting there."

"I know you were darling, but I was horny. And right now, I don't feel like waiting around for you to get up the gumption to ask me to marry you when you _know_ I will say yes. So, if you would be so good as to accept my proposal of marriage, I would be much obliged."

"I accept, begrudgingly," says James, leaning in and kissing her.

"Congratulations, you two," beams Remus.

"Yeah, yeah," grumble-mumbles James.

"Do you have any idea when?" I ask, getting up and hugging them both.

"No. I hadn't gotten there yet," grins Lily. She sticks her tongue out at James who rolls his eyes.

"How about October," says James.

"Why October?" asks Remus.

"I just fancy getting married in October. Can't a man fancy getting married in October?"

"A man can most certainly fancy getting married in October. If he is, in fact, a woman," says Sirius, who has just banged open the door.

"I am not a woman, Sirius," snaps James.

"Well, you certainly don't wear the trousers in your relationship. _She_ got you two to have sex? Honestly, James."

"You were listening?" James looks scandalized.

"Of course I was listening! And I must say, well done, Remus and Mary, getting caught. You two should become professionals."

"Oh, shut up, Sirius," says Remus.

"I am not a woman," repeats James, stubbornly. "See, look what you did, Lily. Make it go away."

Lily is laughing happily. She leans over and kissed James and said, "There, there, angel, I'm sure the big bad Sirius will go away soon."

"Well, can we get married in October?"

"Yes, we can, darling."

"At that little place we were looking at in Godric's Hollow?"

"Hang on," says Remus, sharply, "Were you intending to tell me you were moving out?"

"I've convinced the landlady to sell to you for a most reasonable price. So you won't need to worry about rent anymore."

"Ah. And were you going to tell me this?"

"I was, yes. But as you can see, I am in the midst of planning my wedding, and so I had to reprioritize."

Remus rolls his eyes.

"You are planning your wedding? God, Prongs, you really are a woman," says Sirius. He goes into the kitchen and returns with a bottle of firewhisky. He conjures glasses for us all and pours out the stuff.

"If we actually close on that little place Godric's Hollow, then we can most certainly be married there," says Lily.

"Can I wear navy blue. I've always thought I look quite dashing in navy."

"Need I even say it?" says Sirius, passing out the drinks.

"No, you needn't," says Remus, his eyes twinkling.

"James, do you want to just plan this damn wedding?" demands Lily.

"Can I? I've always wanted to, ever since I was a little girl!" says Sirius, imitating James. We all burst out laughing.

James flips him off and turns to Lily, "If you don't want to…I suppose…I wouldn't mind…" he tries to sound off-hand but can't quite manage.

"All right then. I suppose I _did_ steal all the manly-man parts of our relationship, so you might as well do the womanly things. Would you mind bearing my children?"

James laughs and kisses her, saying, "Not a chance in hell."

Sirius raises his shot-glass. "To Lily and Prongs. May you always have inversed sexual roles so that you never trample on one-another's toes!"

"And to your upcoming nuptials," adds Remus.

We all raise our glasses and clink.

"In the eyes. Look in the eyes!" insists Sirius as he taps his glass against ours.

"What?" said Lily.

"You look whoever you are clinking with in the eyes or it's seven years of bad sex, and I don't think that's the way to start off your marriage."

"Oh, shut up, Sirius."


	2. Chapter 2

"It's getting ridiculous. Not only will he not let me pick the dress, he won't even let me _see _the dress. When I go into Madam Malkin's, I have to be blindfolded while she does the fitting. It is ridiculously unfair."

"I suppose this is his way for getting back at you."

"Undoubtedly."

"Is he at least letting you pick your gear for the wedding night?"

"I'm contemplating getting a onesie with feet and telling him to stuff it."

"That wouldn't be very sporting. Don't you want to show him that you are the better…erm…man?"

"Oh, shut up. It's bad enough with Sirius making all the jokes that he is. I feel my femininity dripping away every four seconds and I fear there will be none left by the time I actually marry James…whose masculinity is dripping away at the exact same rate."

"Leaving you the asexual couple that all married men and women become?"

"Exactly."

"Which is why I return to the subject of your…eveningwear."

"I'm trying to find something sexy, but I'm drawn to things that are more comfortable and look like something Granny Evans would wear."

"What about ruffles? I always find that they make a girl feel more girly."

"You don't even want to go there. Trust me. You will just stare at me in shock and horror."

"Have you talked to the lady of the house about picking something out for you?"

"Oh, shut up."

"I'm sure that he would find something nice."

"If I could fit into it. I've lied to him about my sizes so that he can't get me things."

"Does he know this?"

"Yes."

"Does he care?"

"He's fuming because he keeps flipping through magazines of poor repute and finding things that he wants me to try on, but he can't buy them for me (for the aforementioned reason) and I refuse to buy them myself."

"The poor dear."

"Indeed the poor dear. I don't understand why I have to buy something special though. I mean, it's not like I'm going to be wearing it for the longest time. In fact, I was under the impression that the point of the wedding night is that one is starkers with ones partner for an extended period of time, doing things that are frowned upon when one is unmarried."

"Yeah…"

"So, why do I _have_ to get something special?"

"Because—and I am channeling Sirius here, so don't get violent—you don't want to start the sexual part of your marriage off on the wrong foot. You want to be as kinky and sexy as possible to show that you are in it for the long run."

"Wow. You really were channeling Sirius. Who knows. Maybe he is advising James right now in a manner that is distinctly…Mary-ish."

"God I hope not. That would be strange."

"Indeed, it would be."

"I'd pay good money to see it, though."

"Hmm."

"Lily?"

"Yes?"

"Is he really not telling you _anything?_"

"Oh no. He's telling me things. Like what kinds of flowers he has chosen, what foods, wines, cakes he has sampled, the guest list, who has RSVPed, just not what I will be wearing. It is driving me insane."

"Next time you have a fitting, I could come and tell you what it looks like."

"…No…I think that would be cheating a bit."

"I thought you were annoyed by it."

"I am, but at the same time…it's so…James to be doing this. And it's a part of why I want to marry him, isn't it…"

"I suppose. What if I come with and tell you if _I _like the dress."

"I like that better. I trust your judgment when it comes to clothes."

"Because I've been choosing your clothes since second year?"

"Yeah."

"After the fitting, we could go and pick…"

"Um…"

"Crossing a line?"

"Yes, but I am getting desperate. I can't find anything!"

"Which is why I proposed to help."

"Thank you, Mary."


	3. Chapter 3

I do not think it will surprise you when I say that Lily's marriage to James was absolutely lovely. A tiny little thing it was, members of the Order of the Phoenix, some classmates and some teachers and that was it. Lily's sister and brother-in-law refused to even RSVP, which made James quite angry and Lily very sad.

James looked dashing in his navy blue dress robes and Lily looked stunning in the flowing chiffon number that James had chosen. They were married at around one in the afternoon, and after the ceremony itself, there was a get-together that was much more like a glorified birthday party than a wedding reception. There weren't enough people for there to be more than one very long table in what was usually Lily and James' living room. So we all sat together, talking, laughing, and, near the end of it, singing.

But the fun really began at sundown, when the children in town began their trick-or-treating, for James had chosen Halloween to be the date of their wedding.

Most of the guests were unaware of the muggle habit of trick-or-treating. It was not something that wizarding households did, particularly, and so when the muggle children knocked on the door, demanding sweets, people (Sirius, in particular) were rather astounded.

"What are you dressed as?" asked a little girl in an Elvis costume.

"We are a married couple," grinned Lily, holding James' hand. Beyond the girl's line of vision, she summoned a packet of Mars Bars from upstairs and multiplied it. She dropped a chocolate bar in the girl's sack.

"That's not very exciting," said the girl.

"Not for you, it isn't. But for us, it is," said James, smiling down at her.

"Are you at least a dead married couple? Mutilated on your wedding night?" she asked.

"Afraid not."

"Although, maybe on future Halloweens, we will be a couple that was murdered on our anniversary. I think we could pull that one off," James said.

"Cool. Thanks. Happy Halloween," called the girl as she skipped down the steps toward the gate.

It was a few minutes later, there was another knock on the door.

"My turn!" said Sirius. He waved his wand and was dressed in tattered clothing. He had an eye-patch and a peg-leg.

"Are you being Moody?" asked Peter.

"Of course not, Peter. Don't be daft. I'm a pirate."

"You look nothing like a pirate, Sirius. You look like a vagrant," said Alice.

"I'm a rakish pirate." He opened the door. "Yo ho ho, me hearties. And what have we here?"

Next, it was Peter's turn. "I want to be that muggle detective. What's his name? Shylock Homes?"

"Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes. Shylock is someone completely different, Peter," said Emmeline.

Marlene was a nun, Hestia a ghoul, Emmeline a pharaoh, Benjy a leprachaun, Caradoc a cat, Dedalus a skeleton and Aberforth a goat—much to the amusement of all who were acquainted with his criminal history. Alice was a banshee, Frank a mummy, and Gideon and Fabian were Siamese twins.

Made-Eye refused to dress up and went to the door as a hardened criminal (mothers accompanying their children looked at him, rather scared that it might be true).

Hagrid went as himself as well, only he pretended to be a giant. The children seemed rather scared of him, which made all of us rather amused, as Hagrid wouldn't hurt a fly.

Sirius refused to let Remus dress up, insisting that he could just be himself for once, and everyone would think he was playing around. Remus was none-too-pleased with this idea, but did so anyway.

"They didn't find it at all interesting," he announced when he returned to the table.

"Of course they didn't, Moony. You didn't play it up. You just said I'm a werewolf. You need to try a little harder. You will do it until you get it right."

"What do you mean, until I get it right? This isn't bloody fair, Sirius. I want a cooler costume."

"Yeah, but it's your problem. You should be used to it by now," grinned James.

"I believe this is an act of anti-werewolf discrimination," grumbled Remus.

The knocker sounded again and he got up, grumbling.

"Trick-or-treat," chorused three voices. It appeared that we had crossed a line…the adults were out now.

"Oh lord," grinned Sirius, who was watching from the doorframe. "This'll be good."

"W-what are you all dressed as?" stammered Remus.

"What does it look like?" asked a woman none of us could see, very flirtatiously.

"Um—er…"

"What about you?"

"I'm…I'm a werewolf."

"Really? Couldn't think of anything more…creative?"

"'Fraid not. I have a friend with a fetish who refused to let me outshine him."

"What kind of fetish?"

"Weird and sexual. He likes toes…a lot…in a way that scares me. In any case, he insisted that I be myself, so I decided on a werewolf."

"You know, for a werewolf…you are rather rakish. Would you care to join us?"

"So sorry. But I'm afraid I must prepare myself for the full moon tomorrow night. It will be a bad one. Jupiter is in the twelfth house and it's proximity to the moon will only hurt me, so I need to prepare myself emotionally, psychologically, physically…"

"Well, if you change your mind, we'll be at the pub in the village later."

"Sounds lovely."

"Goodnight, Mr. Werewolf."

Remus closed the door.

"I do not have a kinky toe fetish!" bellowed Sirius.

We all burst out laughing.

"If you make me go again, I will make it stranger. I warn you now," announced Remus, taking his seat once again.

Sirius looked like Remus had kicked his puppy. "They called you rakish. That was my adjective," he whined.

"Ahh well. You were playing for the wrong crowd, I suppose."

"What were they dressed as, Remus? We couldn't see," asked James as the two men returned to the table.

"Sexual deviants. I was a bit scared there, for a moment. How come Sirius got the adorable little girl dressed as a fairy princess and I got sexual deviants?"

"Clearly the gods have a sense of humor," I said.

"Ahh, Remus, you should know the answer to this. Jupiter is in the twelfth house and its proximity to the moon means that you will get creepy sexual deviants when they knock on our door and Sirius will get a fairy princess," laughed Lily.

"Were you making that up? About Jupiter?" asked Peter.

Remius shrugged. "It wouldn't surprise me if it were true. But I have no clue. I was never very good at astronomy…"

After that, Sirius mostly opened the door for trick-or-treaters, hoping to find more sexual deviants. Mostly, they were just adults with masks. Around midnight, Slughorn, McGonagall and Flitwick returned to the castle. The most of the Order wasn't long to follow.

Dumbledore was the last guest who was not a member of our inner circle to leave. He kissed Lily on the cheek and shook James' hand as he approached the door.

"Until the next meeting," he said. "I congratulate you both."

"Thank you, sir," smiled Lily.

"It was a lovely flower arrangement."

"Thank you," beamed James.

Sirius looked very pointedly at Remus, and it was clear that they were sharing a James is a woman moment.

Dumbledore opened the door.

"Good evening," he said gravely.

"Trick-or-treat," said a voice. It sounded like a teenage boy.

"What are you dressed as?" asked Dumbledore.

We made our way into the hallway and stared at the boy. He was dressed entirely in black and he wore a snake's mask on his head. The effect gave us all the shivers.

"A murderer," he whispered.

"It is quite convincing," said Dumbledore.

"What about you?"

"I am a wizard."

The masked boy appraised Dumbledore, then extended his sack full of candy.

Dumbledore dropped into it a packet of Lemon Drops.

"How did you know we were still giving out candy?" asked James.

The boy shrugged. "The lights were on."

"Good night," said Dumbledore to the rest of us, and he stepped out into the night. The boy followed him. As Dumbledore passed a tree, he disapparated. The boy stopped and stared. Then he continued.

"You don't suppose he saw Dumbledore disapparate," whispered Frank as he closed the door.

None of us knew. None of us wanted to know.

"I think it is time," said Sirius, leading us all back into the living room, "to tell embarrassing stories about Lily and James."

"Sounds like fun," grinned Alice, deviously. I began to giggle. I knew precisely what story Alice was about to tell.

"Alice Longbottom, don't you dare," commanded Lily.

"Sit down, boys and girls," said Alice, dramatically. "James, I think it is high time you learned what you have married."


End file.
